Duane's Bible Stories: Who Touched Me?

by Duane N. Burghard
©2015

My wife pointed out to me this morning that, many years ago, when I would spend time studying the Bible (usually in preparation for a sermon), I would indulge my rather bizarre sense of humor by humorously enhancing some of the stories. She mentioned this while quoting one this morning and, since I have been in search of something to write about (and really don't want to write the things I'm thinking about either politics or the horrific events in San Bernardino this week), an example of this part of my warped brain seems appropriate for the day.

This story is from both the 5th Chapter of the book of Mark and the 8th Chapter of the book of Luke (the former is my preferred version and the one I will expound on below, though for the sake of accuracy I will note that it was the latter that my wife was talking about this morning). Jesus and his disciples are on a road trip across the country side and have just encountered Jairus, the head of a synagogue, who has requested that Jesus come to his house to see his dying daughter. We'll pick up the story there (Mark 5:25).

And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years,

And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered , but rather grew worse,

When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment.

For she said, If I may touch his clothes, I shall be whole.

And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.

And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes?

(and THIS is where Duane goes "off the reservation")

And the disciples looked one unto another and said, "Seriously?! Is he messing with us?"

And when the others were unwilling to speak, Peter (the impetuous) said, "Master, are you kidding? There's like ... thousands of people here all crowded up."

And when Jesus said nothing, Peter continued, "there's ... well there's a LOT of touching going on here. It's a crowd!"

And Peter, realizing that he wasn't getting it but also feeling a sense of urgency about getting the group going again, ran and stood on a nearby rock and shouted out to the multitude, "Umm, excuse me! Can I have your attention please? Listen, uhh, we're sorry to interrupt the trip here but we have kind of a situation. At some point, just a few minutes ago, umm, well, someone touched the Master ... and, well obviously there's a lot of people here and we don't know who it was and, well, it's ... apparently we need to know. So to make this go as quickly as possible, what we'd like to have everyone do right now is to number off one through twelve, and then gather in your groups according to your numbers, and we'll have one of the main disciples here join each group where we'll quickly interview each person, find out who the toucher was and, in theory, get this over with and then we can all get back on our way over to Jairus' house."

And Jesus facepalmed and quietly said unto himself, "seriously Dad, I have no idea how much longer I'm going to be able to do this."

And Peter, sensing that there was more, added, "also, I know that many of you are getting pretty hungry, and I just wanted to let you know that we're only about a chapter away from fish sandwiches for everyone so, if you'll just be patient a little longer, we'll take care of that too. So, thank you!"

And the woman, realizing that if the job was left to these men, they'd be here all day, raised her hand, stepped forward, explained, apologized, and begged forgiveness.

And Jesus, knowing that she misunderstood, smiled at her and said, "no, it's totally cool, I just wanted to meet you, that's all."

And Peter, still standing on the rock, rejoiced and said, "never mind! We're good!" And they continued on their journey.


Or, you know ... something like that .....